Saturday, June 15, 2013

The Period.

Yeah, this is about periods. I figure it's only fate that a female blogger posts at least once about her period, because it takes up 1/4 of our month. Odd to think about, really. Such a waste of time.

But anyway, I knew this period would come for me someday. Because this isn't a normal period; it is special, because it marks the end of my golden age. See, I was always that girl that shrugged and went "aw, it's not THAT bad!". Now, I am one of those girls that rips the previous girl apart in frustration. To compare, I'm like a woman in her late sixties who is slowly becoming incontinent. Soon, she will have to wear diapers like the rest of them, BUT SHE IS IN DENIAL. And like her, I too feel my old way of life slipping away. No longer can I just pop in a tampon and frolick about in the pool all day. No longer can I change my pad every four hours. 


Now, I must overdose on Midol, and lay on the floor all day, wracked with exhaustion and pain. Now, I must avoid sugar and any good tasting food all day, for fear of making my PMS worse; now, it is nothing but eggs, turkey, spinach, mushrooms, and bitter chocolate. 

And whenever I see a tampon commercial, I wish to rip their jaws off and watch them squirm. HOW DARE THEY SAY "Have a happy period"! No, YOU have a happy period all by yourself, you skinny b*tch. Go off and limbo the night away in a white string bikini. How cocky do you think you can be?? A bikini itself is pushing it, but a white one? You aren't God. 

I would love to see her fail. I'm sorry, but I guarantee you, men, every girl who watches that commerical wants nothing more than to see her have a bloody accident mid-limbo. 

And once, I heard that it was a scientific fact that you actually bleed only about two tablespoons your entire period. Ha. Ha. Ha. NO. I don't know what kind of girls they tested on, but I bet my left arm I could at least fill half a milk jug. 

But anyway, in short, my periods are getting worse each time. I don't know how long this is going to last until I reach my maximum occupancy load of pain, but I hope it's soon. Because at this rate, I'll have to wear a diaper. And not to sacrifice what dignity I have left, but wearing a diaper doesn't seem like a half-bad idea. I mean, it would surely be safer? 

God, what am I thinking. 

Most girls: Gee, I would like to get those special pads made for thongs! So I can wear my sexy underwear no matter my time of the month!

Me: Huh. An adult diaper seems nice. 

But be honest, how many of you actually get action on your period? How many of you even want it? Unless you're a vampire, blood isn't exactly a turn on. So why the thong?? Why would you even suffer through the constant worrying of wearing a flimsy THONG when you're BLEEDING OUT YOUR VAGINA? I mean, if you're out on the third date wearing a tube dress, and you've been playing footsie under the table all night, a thong might be a good idea. But sitting alone wearing a robe and covered in heating pads, a thong seems asinine. However, apparently now, they have underwear specially designed to look cute and to also keep leakage from getting out, with adorable period-related designs, like a unicorn covered in blood. Okay, maybe not 'adorable' per se, but relevant. (They're called Harebrained Period Panties)

And why do we need SO MANY different brands of pads and tampons? Walking into the feminine hygiene isle is like walking into a totally different world. No wonder men seem so lost and intimidated in that isle; I am too, and I've been going there since I was eleven. One thing I and my friends know well? The store brands are awful. You would do better with a wad of toilet paper and duct tape. Seriously.

Oh, and going to the pool when you're on your period? Seems like a good idea, but not; like communism. However, it's doable. Just make sure to take these things: tampons, Midol, a dark bathing suit, chocolate, and shame. So, so much shame.

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