I can't stay away.
Every time, I click on that damn email (pardon me; I am in anger mode), and it makes me SO FREAKIN' MAD AT LIFE. The articles are all "I'm in love with this new $800 coat i just bought! It's leopard print [and I'll never wear it more than once]" or "I'm in love with this $50 tube of minuscule lip-colored lipstick! [no one can tell i'm wearing it, but boy is it worth it!]"
You know what my latest beauty obsession is? Chapstick. Lotion from Wal-Mart. Soap. Shampoo. War-paint, stuffed away in case of the zombie apocalypse.
You know what my latest beauty obsession is? Pants. Bras. Underwear (oh my!). Ninja masks.
So you know what, Michelle Phan, right here and right now, I will say this to you, you glorious b**ch:
- I like watching your videos, even though I'll never wear any of your tutorials because I would look like a streetwalker.
- Your blow-drying how-to? NOT COOL, MICHELLE. NOT COOL. MY HAIR = AFRO.
- NO ONE HAS A FOOD PROCESSOR IN WHICH THEY CAN MAKE A CARROT FACE MASK.
- Not everyone can waste wine willy-nilly. Ergo, that latest face-mask tutorial? An abomination.
- Your hair tutorials suck. Everyone knows how to put their hair into a bun, then stick a flower in it. Why even waste your time?
- No one has the money for eye cream, so quit pushing it. You make people like me feel bad about themselves for not wanting to waste twenty dollars on a little tube of lotion that will literally last one weekend.
- You are one of the sexiest women alive. I would go bisexual for you. Just saying.
- No one has a fifty shade eyeshadow palette. My palette has ten shades on it, and its moldy and for little girls playing dress up.
- I don't even wear makeup, you douche.
- Whenever you say that you 'splurged' on something AGAIN, I die a little inside.
- I never knew there was a difference in mascara wands until you pointed in out in a particularly stupid post. I still don't care.
- And I'm not sure it was you who said this, but still: Saying that people who buy underwear in packs of ten are lame and have no life? BE PREPARED FOR THE HELLS OF PMS FURY TO BE UNLEASHED UPON YOU WITH A WRATH TO RIVAL ZEUS.
- You always look smug. You know that?
- I admire that even though reading your posts makes me SO angry, I still click on the email with glee, like chatting with an old friend. An old, annoying, irritatingly fancy friend who doesn't even know I exist.