Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Michelle Phan, I both hate and love you.

You know what pushes my buttons?? Okay, so, let me tell you: When I was thirteen, I signed up for the Michelle Phan Newsletter (she is a famous beauty guru). Ever since, I get these emails that have these gurlygurl titles like "Which makeup sponge to buy for YOUR needs" or "How to look stylish while sweating it out at the gym!" But the worst one? >>> "My latest beauty/fashion obsession!"

I can't stay away.

Every time, I click on that damn email (pardon me; I am in anger mode), and it makes me SO FREAKIN' MAD AT LIFE. The articles are all "I'm in love with this new $800 coat i just bought! It's leopard print [and I'll never wear it more than once]" or "I'm in love with this $50 tube of minuscule lip-colored lipstick! [no one can tell i'm wearing it, but boy is it worth it!]"

You know what my latest beauty obsession is? Chapstick. Lotion from Wal-Mart. Soap. Shampoo. War-paint, stuffed away in case of the zombie apocalypse.

You know what my latest beauty obsession  is? Pants. Bras. Underwear (oh my!). Ninja masks.

So you know what, Michelle Phan, right here and right now, I will say this to you, you glorious b**ch:
  •  I like watching your videos, even though I'll never wear any of your tutorials because I would look like a streetwalker.

  • Your blow-drying how-to? NOT COOL, MICHELLE. NOT COOL. MY HAIR = AFRO.

  • NO ONE HAS A FOOD PROCESSOR IN WHICH THEY CAN MAKE A CARROT FACE MASK.

  • Not everyone can waste wine willy-nilly. Ergo, that latest face-mask tutorial? An abomination.

  • Your hair tutorials suck. Everyone knows how to put their hair into a bun, then stick a flower in it. Why even waste your time?

  • No one has the money for eye cream, so quit pushing it. You make people like me feel bad about themselves for not wanting to waste twenty dollars on a little tube of lotion that will literally last one weekend.

  • You are one of the sexiest women alive. I would go bisexual for you. Just saying.

  • No one has a fifty shade eyeshadow palette. My palette has ten shades on it, and its moldy and for little girls playing dress up.

  • I don't even wear makeup, you douche.

  • Whenever you say that you 'splurged' on something AGAIN, I die a little inside.

  •  I never knew there was a difference in mascara wands until you pointed in out in a particularly stupid post. I still don't care.

  • And I'm not sure it was you who said this, but still: Saying that people who buy underwear in packs of ten are lame and have no life? BE PREPARED FOR THE HELLS OF PMS FURY TO BE UNLEASHED UPON YOU WITH A WRATH TO RIVAL ZEUS.

  • You always look smug. You know that?

  • I admire that even though reading your posts makes me SO angry, I still click on the email with glee, like chatting with an old friend. An old, annoying, irritatingly fancy friend who doesn't even know I exist.

                                              God I wish I was you.

1 comment:

  1. Do not want to become someone, just forget about all materialistic and unrealistic life views that are here just in order to attract young audience attention, who still,unfortunately, believe in fairy tales... You are here, you are one and only, no one resembles you. Bring out your uniqueness to the world. All of us are like separate drops that at the end fill up an ocean. All of us are special in our way, without one of us ocean would not stay so powerful. Do not let misleading and unreal cover up your real self. Bring out your magic believe in it and so will others. Instead of concentrating on the outside grow your inside! If all of us will put our effort into our inner we will stay stronger and hopefully community will change their stereotypes based on things that do not have value and disappear with time... Concentrate on your inner, it may change and become more wise with time, but its stays with you till the last day... I wish you best of luck :) P.S. Sorry for my English if something is out of place, it is not my native language.

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