Saturday, November 17, 2012

How to be Sexy (vol. 1, issue 1)

I know the title seems cliché, but hey, you would be surprised at how cliché I can be. And besides, it's the content that counts, is it not? At least, that's what popular girls mockingly tell the unpopular girl on those Lifetime shows I can't seem to stay away from even though the acting makes my faith in humanity decay. Anyway, I won't be telling you to, for instance, exercise. It's exaggerated, the whole idea of dragging yourself to the treadmill for a grueling and mind-numbing activity when you could be reading A Brief History in Time whilst eating Nutella or perhaps gingerbread spice cookies. Who needs their collarbone to show? No, I'm going to tell you the tips to being beautiful, inside and out, that actually: 1) count, and 2) make some sense.
  • Brush your teeth. This is basic, people.
  • Eat like a man. Don't you dare order a salad without something else to go with it, or else I will slap you. Into the wall. With a box of cake mix.
  • Read as if your life depends on it. Women who are well-read seem a lot more attractive (I expect this to be true, because I refuse to associate with those men who think otherwise) than those who read nothing but People (but don't look down upon People; I read it sometimes.....don't tell anyone whose opinion I care about, or I will cut you.)
  • Listen to good music. I know that music tastes differ, and views on what's good are always different, but there are some favorites you just HAVE to be fond of: Elton John, Flogging Molly, Tchaikovsky, etc. And then there are some which no respectable human being should like, such as Rebecca Black and the likes.
  • Have some kind of domestic skill down. Sound sexist? Hardly. Do you think it lowers a girl on the evolutionary scale when she can knit? I can knit the socks off half the teenage population. Cooking? Everyone will be vying for you to be in their group when the zombie Apocalypse hits, and the one who can't boil water?  This is what will happen to her:



  • Scars aren't just sexy for men, so if you have them, flaunt them. Like a sexy scarred person.
  • Drink water. But not eight glasses a day. God, no one has time for that. But try to drink more than a sip from the drinking fountain after each class period. Chapped, sore, bloody lips aren't attractive to women, so why would guys like it...? Common sense!
  • Don't wear stilettos to places they should not be. Such as Wal-Mart, or Biology. People will just think "Who's the douche?"
  • Throw something Hipster into your life (I was the first person who meaningfully capitalized Hipster), such as reading moody books that no one has ever heard of, or throw some precocious words into your vocabulary to confuse people with their own language and make them hate themselves secretly.
  • Always be nice to others. Oh, was my last statement contradictory to the last one, about making people hate themselves? Sure, sure, I understand. For my explanation, see next bullet point.
  • Be nice to those worth it. People who don't have an extensive vocabulary are obviously not worth it (have a 'guilty till proven innocent' attitude as well). But don't be mean about being mean; make it be a meaningful, constructive-criticism sort.
  • Be comfortable in your own skin. Whether that is: being okay with not wearing makeup, reading Nicholas Sparks books just to make fun of them, secretly listening to a pop star in the dark then hating yourself for it, organizing your toothpicks by color and price, eating your ice cream with a fork, or spelling 'girl' as 'grrrl' / 'women' as 'womyn' because you hate the sexist implications. You do you, grrrl.
  • Be comfortable with your sexuality. The female's sexuality is always bendable, and embrace this; admit that you have girl crushes on, say, Lindsey Stirling or the lead singer of Delta Rae. When the drag-queen that you pass on the street whistles at you, whistle right back (and wink while you're at it!).
  • Smile at people who look sad, and always pet the puppies you see. Even if their owners say no. (actually, ESPECIALLY if the owners say no.)
  • Take fish oil pills. Those things make you GLOWING, GRRRL.
  • Don't wear things that are too revealing. I don't see how people enjoy it, anyways; I always feel like my bosom will spill out , or my butt/thigh fat will spill everywhere in those booty shorts/microscopic skirts. The one word I can use to describe the kinds of guys you will attract like flies is this: seedy.
  • Randomly burst into song at really inappropriate places (like doing Oppa Gangnam Style in the middle of gym).
  • Be quiet. Don't talk all the time, and when you do, make it actually mean something (but don't necessarily listen to me; Most awkward moments are when I say something and no one even acknowledges that I'm a thing.)
  • Don't patronize others because of their beliefs or religion. This goes for everyone. This is hard, because no matter how hard you try, their are some people who just give their religion a bad name, so you always judge others of that religion based on your previous bad experiences. Like when people say they're Christian to me, all these images of some people I know who hate gay people and are racist pop up, and I'm biased just like that. It's just something to try and work on, because people who don't judge are the most beautiful people of all.
  • Don't ever yell (unless someone is trying to rape you or get you to wear clothes you don't like). It's uncouth, and remember, sophistication (but not TOO much, if that makes sense) is extremely attractive. This goes for guys too.
  • Enjoy doing kind/children things, like snuggling stuffed animals and coloring and kissing your parents goodbye and your grandparents hello. Baking cookies with your whole family, and looking forward to decorating the Christmas tree. Wearing pink Scottie-dog pajamas (*wink*).
  • Be kind to animals ALWAYS. NO EXCEPTIONS. IF THEY ARE BITING YOUR ARM OFF, LET THEM.
Sorry I got so sappy near the end there, but I started to listen to Silent Night, and things got emotional.

Basically, be like these things and you will be so sexy that every guy you look at will orgasm/cry from the cuteness:








 


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Michelle Phan, I both hate and love you.

You know what pushes my buttons?? Okay, so, let me tell you: When I was thirteen, I signed up for the Michelle Phan Newsletter (she is a famous beauty guru). Ever since, I get these emails that have these gurlygurl titles like "Which makeup sponge to buy for YOUR needs" or "How to look stylish while sweating it out at the gym!" But the worst one? >>> "My latest beauty/fashion obsession!"

I can't stay away.

Every time, I click on that damn email (pardon me; I am in anger mode), and it makes me SO FREAKIN' MAD AT LIFE. The articles are all "I'm in love with this new $800 coat i just bought! It's leopard print [and I'll never wear it more than once]" or "I'm in love with this $50 tube of minuscule lip-colored lipstick! [no one can tell i'm wearing it, but boy is it worth it!]"

You know what my latest beauty obsession is? Chapstick. Lotion from Wal-Mart. Soap. Shampoo. War-paint, stuffed away in case of the zombie apocalypse.

You know what my latest beauty obsession  is? Pants. Bras. Underwear (oh my!). Ninja masks.

So you know what, Michelle Phan, right here and right now, I will say this to you, you glorious b**ch:
  •  I like watching your videos, even though I'll never wear any of your tutorials because I would look like a streetwalker.

  • Your blow-drying how-to? NOT COOL, MICHELLE. NOT COOL. MY HAIR = AFRO.

  • NO ONE HAS A FOOD PROCESSOR IN WHICH THEY CAN MAKE A CARROT FACE MASK.

  • Not everyone can waste wine willy-nilly. Ergo, that latest face-mask tutorial? An abomination.

  • Your hair tutorials suck. Everyone knows how to put their hair into a bun, then stick a flower in it. Why even waste your time?

  • No one has the money for eye cream, so quit pushing it. You make people like me feel bad about themselves for not wanting to waste twenty dollars on a little tube of lotion that will literally last one weekend.

  • You are one of the sexiest women alive. I would go bisexual for you. Just saying.

  • No one has a fifty shade eyeshadow palette. My palette has ten shades on it, and its moldy and for little girls playing dress up.

  • I don't even wear makeup, you douche.

  • Whenever you say that you 'splurged' on something AGAIN, I die a little inside.

  •  I never knew there was a difference in mascara wands until you pointed in out in a particularly stupid post. I still don't care.

  • And I'm not sure it was you who said this, but still: Saying that people who buy underwear in packs of ten are lame and have no life? BE PREPARED FOR THE HELLS OF PMS FURY TO BE UNLEASHED UPON YOU WITH A WRATH TO RIVAL ZEUS.

  • You always look smug. You know that?

  • I admire that even though reading your posts makes me SO angry, I still click on the email with glee, like chatting with an old friend. An old, annoying, irritatingly fancy friend who doesn't even know I exist.

                                              God I wish I was you.