Sunday, September 30, 2012

Blog post that is just an excuse to put up adorable animal pictures.

So, as you probably know, about %90 percent of the time, I use animal pictures to deplict myself and my majestical life. Why do I do this instead of using actual people? For one, it's extremely hard to find someone that actually looks like me that also is both adorable and full of expression. And I sure as leep ain't going to put actual pictures of myself because it is just such a hassle taking pictures of myself awkwardly for each situation then uploading it and just all this unneccesary crap (plus I take unflattering pictures). For some reason, I just see more of myself in non-humans, and I feel as though other people agree with me though they won't admit it (cowards).
    
I mean, really. Do I look more like this chick (does the bobby pin right in the middle of her hair also bother you??) :



Or this legit chick:



There is little to no competition. And I find to specifically identify to owls and pugs. I just do. Can't you see me looking like this and doing these things?:



























 ^ Awkward space.
Anyways, I now pose this question unto you: Am i the only one who thinks dog feet are the most adorable things ever? EVER.


Saturday, September 29, 2012

Knitter's Guide to the Galaxy

I have been toying with the thought of typing up a basic little guide about the world of knitting, and when it occurred to me that nowhere, in this SWAMP of musings, is there any talk about crafting as of late. And really, you can't get much more crafty than this. THIS, my darling little gods and goddesses, is the ultimate step in calling yourself a spinster. Or future crazy cat lady.

So, I present my tips and hints and explanations and worldly expertise:

Needles. This was my first step when I began knitting, and I got size 10. Size 10 is the best starting size of needle, since most yarns require that size, or are near enough to that size that it doesn't matter (yarns that require size 9 through size 11 will work  fine, just knit tighter for a smaller size and looser for a bigger size. Because that's what poor people do). Later on, you will feel the need to get a more specific needle for projects that require super big or super small needles, but until then, size 10 will suit you just fine. I would recommend buying them in the short kind (there are two different lengths; I will show you below) because they're more practical for everyday projects, and I would also recommend you buy the bamboo instead of metal. Though it's more expensive, these are ones that you will be using most often, so it's best to splurge and pay the extra dollar. However, with the ones that you will only be using on special occasions (such as large, size 13+ needles) I always buy the colorful metal ones because they're cheapest. Another reason I recommend bamboo, or at least plastic, for your everyday needles is because they are lighter than metal, are less noisy, and can be brought with you through airports!






Yarn. Once you have chosen your needles, yarn is the next step! Be sure to get a yarn that follows these guidelines: is soft (this sounds strange, but try holding the skein against your neck to see how it feels against sensitive skin, because your first clothing project should ALWAYS be a scarf; it's easiest!), and should match the size needle you have (I'll show you where to look below to find out that information). Oh, and it should be a plain yarn, not fancy fuzzy ones; those come when you're more adept. Other than that, you should be good!! TIP: The worst brand as far as softness goes is Red Heart! Avoid it!! And until you're an expert, keep away from mohair and Homespun from Lion's Brand (it looks harmless, and is super pretty, but is extremely weird to work with. It bunches horribly). Also, not that wool or alpaca is hard to work with per say, but when it slips naturally through your fingers as you are knitting, it rubs your fingers totally raw. Not the softest by far, but 100% natural!!












Organization of yarn. You're probably thinking "What is she TALKING about??" Well, I'm talking about how to easily manage your yarn. Your yarn probably looks like this when you first buy it:


That's not the best way to keep your yarn. The best way is definitely to turn it into a ball of yarn when your first buy it; that way, you can roll up any extra and store it away with no worries about tangles!! Plus it looks super adorabubble.

Here's how:



Types of stitches.  For me, the easiest way to stitch is the traditional knit stitch , which looks like this:

You probably thought that knit stitching looked like this, correct?:

 Actually, that is what Stockinette Stitch looks like, and it is complicated. How you do it is by knitting one row, purling the next row, then repeating. I can't explain, so here's a how-to on stockinette stitch and purl stitching/knit stitching:

Purl:

Knit:

Stockinette:


A Tip or Two.  I have one last tip for you future knitters out there: BUY A KNITTING BOOK!!  I found the Knitting for Dummies book to be extremely helpful as a general book to refer back to for minor hiccups or questions, and I love my pocketbook edition. Also, if you have to look up how tos on Youtube or in a book, make sure that it's for your type of knitting: If you hold the yarn in your right hand while knitting, then you knit English Style. If you knit with the yarn in your left hand, you knit Continental Style. English Style is the best way to learn because not many people do Continental, so it's harder to learn because few people teach any other way than classical English, although I've heard that, once mastered, Continental is much faster. Oh well, it seems complicated and it goes against our natural instict, no matter if we're left or right handed! Good luck!!!!

Knitted Jake!!!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Things I didn't know (watch out, it's long)

  • Apparently, you CAN, in fact, take knitting needles with you on an airplane. From a citizen standpoint, I deem it unsafe and a bit worrisome, but as a knitter, I can equally defend myself via MY needles. We shall have an epic duel, the clack of wooden needles the only clue to our violent struggle. ( i realize the last bit made no sense)

  • The nasty smell of pennies is, in actually, not restricted to just pennies. Other metals can smell gross too. I was all like "OH GOD NO."

  • When left to myself, I am not as mature as everyone thought. I KNOW RIGHT. IT'S CRAZY.

  • There really IS a study of colors. It's called chromatology. I can just imagine the tests: Which of these colors best represents tranquility and peace? Hint: It's not what you think.

  • There ARE single people in Paris. They exist. But are very rare, like albino panthers.

  • People can shave their faces without arms. I know I couldn't, I would slice my jugular in eight places before realizing that I should just let a beard grow.

  •  Then I remembered that I am a woman.

  • Kangaroos can't jump backwards. Learned that from watching Daniel Tosh. He's like a Snapple.

  • Plants need water even after school starts. Realized this just now as I looked outside and saw a half-dead plant on the deck that I was supposed to water O_O

  • I could easily become Amish.

  • Whenever I smirk for the camera, I don't look cute and slightly angsty. I look like a minion of Satan.

  • There is a good chance of me becoming asexual in the future. I always knew, subconsiously.

  • I can Indian dance surprisingly well, all things considered.

  • I have never used at least half of the features available on this site.

  • I have never went into a haunted house. And when other people do, and I wait patiently outside, all I think is "Suckers..."

  • If I were to get a parrot or a galapagos turtle right now, and it was the same age as me, it would live longer than I would.

  • Whenever I make plans for the future, I always add an "Now, if I become immortal, then...." option, just in case.

  • Cucumbers are scientifically classified as fruits.

  • Birds are the only organisms in the world that have feathers. I know, 'duhh', but I never really THOUGHT about it.

  • Sheen from Jimmy Neutron is possibly fashioned as a child version of Charlie Sheen.

  • A lot of the people from Jimmy Neutron have scientific names (Cindy Vortex, James Isaac 'Jimmy' Neutron, Jet Fusion, etc.)

  • Cosmo from Fairly Odd Parents really is retarded

  • Tweety is a boy.

  • In the rhyme Humpty Dumpty, they NEVER mention that he's an egg.

  • The Pringles guy and the Monopoly man are the same person.

  • Cookie Monster's real name is Sid.

WHAT. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING.

This was your face the whole time for that last bit:



ps: The answer was Blue. Oh, was that what you thought? I guess you're a chromatologist.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

No favorite color = big dilemma/death

One of the biggest and longest-struggling decisions I have ever had to make is picking my favorite color. When I was little, it was a pair: Purple and Pink. Then I decided that that was lame, so I changed to Green and Blue. Then I realized a lot of aquariums had that as their theme colors, so I just couldn't deal with that, so I converted to Pink and Blue. Then I realized that that was for babies, so I switched to Pink and Green. But then I started to hate watermelon, so it became just Blue. But then my mom revealed her favorite color to be blue too and painted EVERYTHING IN OUR HOUSE Blue, so I started to hate Blue. Then I went neutral for a time, but I just felt empty inside without knowing my favorite color. So I just picked the color Blue out again on a whim. But then I started to sort of cheat on Blue by briefly entertaining the idea of White, Red, Purple, Black, or Grey being my favorite color, but I just felt dirty and guilty doing THAT, so I broke up with Blue and have been single since. Whenever someone asks me their favorite color, I just either say Rainbow or Light Blue (my automatic response from so many horrific Blue Eras. Blue = my abusive color that I keep going back to because I don't know any other way). But now, I'm ready to finally commit. However, it's a huge decision that I'm not sure how to deal with. I don't want to be fickle anymore; I want to be a sturdy and loyal girl with an equally loyal and perfectly matched color. I still haven't decided. Perhaps I will be a color spinster for the rest of my life, forever on the outskirts of society, watching in wretched envy at all those Other People with their good Color Companion. But not me. No. Not unless I can finally bring myself to fully commit to a color and stick with it through thick and thin.

 Burgundy is pretty nice.

And so it White....so pretty and classy....

Then there's Purple, obviously.... I have a lot of Purple things....

Oh and of course there's Olive green......exceedingly chic and elegant....

SO MANY OPTIONS.

And question: Do you have to have a lot of that color in your wardrobe in order to have it as your favorite color? I used to consider Yellow, but Yellow looks just awful with my hair color, so I only have like two Yellow shirts. And I look so odd and weird when I wear Olive green, so I rarely wear those.

Look at all these people, loving their colors with such happiness. I despise them.
I bet that chick is just SO sure of herself. I hate her.
Must be nice to love one color so much, Barbie. I hate you also.
Congratulations. I am sure your parents are so proud.


That show-off probably had the easiest time picking out here wedding colors. *Female dog*. That's why your getting married, itsn't it? Your future husband loves your decision-making skills.
Your dress is too white. You should be ashamed. 

   








 

My life. It will be so.

 
 
I NEED A FAVORITE COLOR BUT I HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES.