Saturday, December 29, 2012

How to interview yourself and to be a tame Dominatrix

Am I the only one who pretends to interview themselves? It's a great pastime, I assure you, and interviewing yourself is a fantastic way to get to KNOW yourself. You would be surprised the questions you come up with. Although my interviews lean more towards the narcissistic spectrum, such as "how is it possible to be as amazing as you are?" Or "how can you be so naturally beautiful?" And this leads me to my next musing: is it possible to know TOO much about yourself? Because if there is such a crossing line, then I am %97 sure that I have crossed it.
Considering I hold interviews of myself and all.
I mean, if I were to know too much about myself, then what does that say about me? Does it say that I am incredibly inquisitive, or just incredibly egotistical? Both would be correct, but that is irrelevant.   But anyways, I have decided out of the kindness of my heart to help you, too, find out really TMI things about yourself. So, first off, conduct a personal interview with yourself. Answer out loud. Personally, I could care less if I was in public, but you probably want to do this alone. Good questions would be like:

  • What are your favorite hobbies and what do those things say about you?
  • If you could only have one thing mentioned about you, what would it be and why?
  • What are your views on important social issues, such as gay marriage and abortion, and what do you think attributed to those views?
  • If you could only save one thing  of yours, what would it be? Does this thing have more sentimental value to you, or more monetary value, and what does choosing this thing say about YOUR values?
  • What is your favorite movie/book, and why does it speak to you? If you can't choose, think of WHY you can't choose.
  • If would could meet three historical figures, who would they be? Why? If you can't choose, think of WHY you can't choose.
  • What are three positive things about yourself that you feel proud of? If you can only think of negative things, think of why that is (is it because of your current mood, or something deeper?)
Another great way to know yourself better is to try tons of new things! It sounds old hat, but trust me, it works wonders and you will find out amazing things about yourself. It could be something small, like ordering something different at your favorite restaurant, or vacationing in a totally different country. Usually go to Florida, U.S.A? I hear Estonia is beautiful this time of year. Or try reading a different genre of book, like if you usually go for nonfiction, I suggest "Hunger Like No Other" by Kresley Cole (available at your local bookstore in the Romance section) or "Bridget Jones' Diary" by Helen Fielding (located in the......uh......Chick Lit section?) for your reading exploration. CLOTHES IS ALSO AN EXCELLENT MEDIUM. If you usually go preppy, try a black velvet corset. Usually go for the black velvet corset?.....actually, if you wear the black velvet corset, then you are on the right path and you should just stay away from polo shirts. That is your assignment. Basically, just do things you wouldn't normally do, because you truly never know what you will like till you attempt it. Personally, I like trying new experiences, because I always like the things I try. It allows you to know all sides of yourself, even if you aren't proud of some of it. Like, say you're a prom queen who turns out to love screamo; you may not like your tastes, but you can't help who you are and you need to accept ALL the facets of yourself. 
Well, that was deep. My final tip that has nothing to do with the current subject? Wave sharp objects around when you are talking, like waving a sharpened pencil about when discussing random things. It gives one a terrible sense of power, and about the tamest you can come to being a dominatrix (don't know what that is? Look it up; it's the most fascinating thing).  

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Why I hate "Lol" and "Yolo"

As you all know, I am wont to follow society standards, such as using the word 'literally' improperly and ending ill-thought-out statements with 'YOLO'. However, calling me pretentious isn't all that accurate; I like doing stuff popular kids do too. Like.....eat....salad. And laugh. Haha! However (I keep using that world a lot [well, twice], but I'm too lazy to open a second window and got onto thesaurus.com, so.....), there are two main things I will simply not do, pretentious or not. I will not use Lol, nor say Yolo.


It just drives me insane; why can't people be more original? Sure, I was at peace with people saying it at first, then people started doing these crazy things like tattooing it all over themselves, or rubbing their naked body all over the Macy's counter whilst yelling "Yolo!". It's getting to be a public hazard. Pretty soon, you're going to see this headline:

 
 
So, logically, we should just nip this in the butt and stop the madness before it escalates into the full-blown Armageddon.
 
But it isn't just the publis safety I'm concerned over; it's the well-being of my sanity. IT. IS. JUST. SO. IRRITATING. I don't even like it when people jokingly say it. But please don't feel bad if you DO say it *sudden guilt tsunami*, just be warned that there are people out there such as me that both hate YOLO, and are also in the throes of violent PMS. This mix does not bode well for your future physical and mental well-being, my friend. Usually, I can control it, so just a minor eye-twitch occurs and I think:



But now it's different.



As for 'Lol', I mainly help it because I'm always that pronounces it as a word instead of pronouncing each letter individually. And then I hate myself.




 





Saturday, November 17, 2012

How to be Sexy (vol. 1, issue 1)

I know the title seems cliché, but hey, you would be surprised at how cliché I can be. And besides, it's the content that counts, is it not? At least, that's what popular girls mockingly tell the unpopular girl on those Lifetime shows I can't seem to stay away from even though the acting makes my faith in humanity decay. Anyway, I won't be telling you to, for instance, exercise. It's exaggerated, the whole idea of dragging yourself to the treadmill for a grueling and mind-numbing activity when you could be reading A Brief History in Time whilst eating Nutella or perhaps gingerbread spice cookies. Who needs their collarbone to show? No, I'm going to tell you the tips to being beautiful, inside and out, that actually: 1) count, and 2) make some sense.
  • Brush your teeth. This is basic, people.
  • Eat like a man. Don't you dare order a salad without something else to go with it, or else I will slap you. Into the wall. With a box of cake mix.
  • Read as if your life depends on it. Women who are well-read seem a lot more attractive (I expect this to be true, because I refuse to associate with those men who think otherwise) than those who read nothing but People (but don't look down upon People; I read it sometimes.....don't tell anyone whose opinion I care about, or I will cut you.)
  • Listen to good music. I know that music tastes differ, and views on what's good are always different, but there are some favorites you just HAVE to be fond of: Elton John, Flogging Molly, Tchaikovsky, etc. And then there are some which no respectable human being should like, such as Rebecca Black and the likes.
  • Have some kind of domestic skill down. Sound sexist? Hardly. Do you think it lowers a girl on the evolutionary scale when she can knit? I can knit the socks off half the teenage population. Cooking? Everyone will be vying for you to be in their group when the zombie Apocalypse hits, and the one who can't boil water?  This is what will happen to her:



  • Scars aren't just sexy for men, so if you have them, flaunt them. Like a sexy scarred person.
  • Drink water. But not eight glasses a day. God, no one has time for that. But try to drink more than a sip from the drinking fountain after each class period. Chapped, sore, bloody lips aren't attractive to women, so why would guys like it...? Common sense!
  • Don't wear stilettos to places they should not be. Such as Wal-Mart, or Biology. People will just think "Who's the douche?"
  • Throw something Hipster into your life (I was the first person who meaningfully capitalized Hipster), such as reading moody books that no one has ever heard of, or throw some precocious words into your vocabulary to confuse people with their own language and make them hate themselves secretly.
  • Always be nice to others. Oh, was my last statement contradictory to the last one, about making people hate themselves? Sure, sure, I understand. For my explanation, see next bullet point.
  • Be nice to those worth it. People who don't have an extensive vocabulary are obviously not worth it (have a 'guilty till proven innocent' attitude as well). But don't be mean about being mean; make it be a meaningful, constructive-criticism sort.
  • Be comfortable in your own skin. Whether that is: being okay with not wearing makeup, reading Nicholas Sparks books just to make fun of them, secretly listening to a pop star in the dark then hating yourself for it, organizing your toothpicks by color and price, eating your ice cream with a fork, or spelling 'girl' as 'grrrl' / 'women' as 'womyn' because you hate the sexist implications. You do you, grrrl.
  • Be comfortable with your sexuality. The female's sexuality is always bendable, and embrace this; admit that you have girl crushes on, say, Lindsey Stirling or the lead singer of Delta Rae. When the drag-queen that you pass on the street whistles at you, whistle right back (and wink while you're at it!).
  • Smile at people who look sad, and always pet the puppies you see. Even if their owners say no. (actually, ESPECIALLY if the owners say no.)
  • Take fish oil pills. Those things make you GLOWING, GRRRL.
  • Don't wear things that are too revealing. I don't see how people enjoy it, anyways; I always feel like my bosom will spill out , or my butt/thigh fat will spill everywhere in those booty shorts/microscopic skirts. The one word I can use to describe the kinds of guys you will attract like flies is this: seedy.
  • Randomly burst into song at really inappropriate places (like doing Oppa Gangnam Style in the middle of gym).
  • Be quiet. Don't talk all the time, and when you do, make it actually mean something (but don't necessarily listen to me; Most awkward moments are when I say something and no one even acknowledges that I'm a thing.)
  • Don't patronize others because of their beliefs or religion. This goes for everyone. This is hard, because no matter how hard you try, their are some people who just give their religion a bad name, so you always judge others of that religion based on your previous bad experiences. Like when people say they're Christian to me, all these images of some people I know who hate gay people and are racist pop up, and I'm biased just like that. It's just something to try and work on, because people who don't judge are the most beautiful people of all.
  • Don't ever yell (unless someone is trying to rape you or get you to wear clothes you don't like). It's uncouth, and remember, sophistication (but not TOO much, if that makes sense) is extremely attractive. This goes for guys too.
  • Enjoy doing kind/children things, like snuggling stuffed animals and coloring and kissing your parents goodbye and your grandparents hello. Baking cookies with your whole family, and looking forward to decorating the Christmas tree. Wearing pink Scottie-dog pajamas (*wink*).
  • Be kind to animals ALWAYS. NO EXCEPTIONS. IF THEY ARE BITING YOUR ARM OFF, LET THEM.
Sorry I got so sappy near the end there, but I started to listen to Silent Night, and things got emotional.

Basically, be like these things and you will be so sexy that every guy you look at will orgasm/cry from the cuteness:








 


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Michelle Phan, I both hate and love you.

You know what pushes my buttons?? Okay, so, let me tell you: When I was thirteen, I signed up for the Michelle Phan Newsletter (she is a famous beauty guru). Ever since, I get these emails that have these gurlygurl titles like "Which makeup sponge to buy for YOUR needs" or "How to look stylish while sweating it out at the gym!" But the worst one? >>> "My latest beauty/fashion obsession!"

I can't stay away.

Every time, I click on that damn email (pardon me; I am in anger mode), and it makes me SO FREAKIN' MAD AT LIFE. The articles are all "I'm in love with this new $800 coat i just bought! It's leopard print [and I'll never wear it more than once]" or "I'm in love with this $50 tube of minuscule lip-colored lipstick! [no one can tell i'm wearing it, but boy is it worth it!]"

You know what my latest beauty obsession is? Chapstick. Lotion from Wal-Mart. Soap. Shampoo. War-paint, stuffed away in case of the zombie apocalypse.

You know what my latest beauty obsession  is? Pants. Bras. Underwear (oh my!). Ninja masks.

So you know what, Michelle Phan, right here and right now, I will say this to you, you glorious b**ch:
  •  I like watching your videos, even though I'll never wear any of your tutorials because I would look like a streetwalker.

  • Your blow-drying how-to? NOT COOL, MICHELLE. NOT COOL. MY HAIR = AFRO.

  • NO ONE HAS A FOOD PROCESSOR IN WHICH THEY CAN MAKE A CARROT FACE MASK.

  • Not everyone can waste wine willy-nilly. Ergo, that latest face-mask tutorial? An abomination.

  • Your hair tutorials suck. Everyone knows how to put their hair into a bun, then stick a flower in it. Why even waste your time?

  • No one has the money for eye cream, so quit pushing it. You make people like me feel bad about themselves for not wanting to waste twenty dollars on a little tube of lotion that will literally last one weekend.

  • You are one of the sexiest women alive. I would go bisexual for you. Just saying.

  • No one has a fifty shade eyeshadow palette. My palette has ten shades on it, and its moldy and for little girls playing dress up.

  • I don't even wear makeup, you douche.

  • Whenever you say that you 'splurged' on something AGAIN, I die a little inside.

  •  I never knew there was a difference in mascara wands until you pointed in out in a particularly stupid post. I still don't care.

  • And I'm not sure it was you who said this, but still: Saying that people who buy underwear in packs of ten are lame and have no life? BE PREPARED FOR THE HELLS OF PMS FURY TO BE UNLEASHED UPON YOU WITH A WRATH TO RIVAL ZEUS.

  • You always look smug. You know that?

  • I admire that even though reading your posts makes me SO angry, I still click on the email with glee, like chatting with an old friend. An old, annoying, irritatingly fancy friend who doesn't even know I exist.

                                              God I wish I was you.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

An ode to forgetfulness (and evil fluffy things)

EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

 (pardon my french)

Every single time I think of something beast to write about it, my brain is all "lolnope you're going to forget this before you can write it down!" So I had to come up with this crappy post as a tide-over until I can actually remember things. I can recall some floating fragments, however:

  • Something about forced school spirit making me want to go bury myself in a hole.
  • Something along the lines of me being incredibly sexy became I am so freakin' symmetrical.
  • My self-diagnosis of like ten made-up diseases that made SO MUCH sense at the time.
  • My hatred of people who......do things.......
  • My hatred of those spicy chicken things at school. THEY MADE ME WEEP WITH PAIN.
  • Something negative about rap music.
  • Something about hating myself because I did a thing that I can't even remember was a thing.
  • My wrists being disproportionately tiny compared to the rest of my person.
  • Something about panHOLY CRAP I REMEMBER!!!!!
So, I was thinking about how a panda can get so fat on little bamboo sticks. I mean, the amount of sustenance you would receive from nomming a STICK cannot equal fat mammal. Scientifically, it doesn't add up. In a world were I thought the government was out to get me (AKA this one.) I would say that it is a complex plot to get us to think that pandas are, in fact, herbivores so that they can have those cute little rolley-polleys turn on us when we least expect it in a vicious, violent Armageddon of bloodthirsty-pandas.

Panda Evil

^ seems legit.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Blog post that is just an excuse to put up adorable animal pictures.

So, as you probably know, about %90 percent of the time, I use animal pictures to deplict myself and my majestical life. Why do I do this instead of using actual people? For one, it's extremely hard to find someone that actually looks like me that also is both adorable and full of expression. And I sure as leep ain't going to put actual pictures of myself because it is just such a hassle taking pictures of myself awkwardly for each situation then uploading it and just all this unneccesary crap (plus I take unflattering pictures). For some reason, I just see more of myself in non-humans, and I feel as though other people agree with me though they won't admit it (cowards).
    
I mean, really. Do I look more like this chick (does the bobby pin right in the middle of her hair also bother you??) :



Or this legit chick:



There is little to no competition. And I find to specifically identify to owls and pugs. I just do. Can't you see me looking like this and doing these things?:



























 ^ Awkward space.
Anyways, I now pose this question unto you: Am i the only one who thinks dog feet are the most adorable things ever? EVER.


Saturday, September 29, 2012

Knitter's Guide to the Galaxy

I have been toying with the thought of typing up a basic little guide about the world of knitting, and when it occurred to me that nowhere, in this SWAMP of musings, is there any talk about crafting as of late. And really, you can't get much more crafty than this. THIS, my darling little gods and goddesses, is the ultimate step in calling yourself a spinster. Or future crazy cat lady.

So, I present my tips and hints and explanations and worldly expertise:

Needles. This was my first step when I began knitting, and I got size 10. Size 10 is the best starting size of needle, since most yarns require that size, or are near enough to that size that it doesn't matter (yarns that require size 9 through size 11 will work  fine, just knit tighter for a smaller size and looser for a bigger size. Because that's what poor people do). Later on, you will feel the need to get a more specific needle for projects that require super big or super small needles, but until then, size 10 will suit you just fine. I would recommend buying them in the short kind (there are two different lengths; I will show you below) because they're more practical for everyday projects, and I would also recommend you buy the bamboo instead of metal. Though it's more expensive, these are ones that you will be using most often, so it's best to splurge and pay the extra dollar. However, with the ones that you will only be using on special occasions (such as large, size 13+ needles) I always buy the colorful metal ones because they're cheapest. Another reason I recommend bamboo, or at least plastic, for your everyday needles is because they are lighter than metal, are less noisy, and can be brought with you through airports!






Yarn. Once you have chosen your needles, yarn is the next step! Be sure to get a yarn that follows these guidelines: is soft (this sounds strange, but try holding the skein against your neck to see how it feels against sensitive skin, because your first clothing project should ALWAYS be a scarf; it's easiest!), and should match the size needle you have (I'll show you where to look below to find out that information). Oh, and it should be a plain yarn, not fancy fuzzy ones; those come when you're more adept. Other than that, you should be good!! TIP: The worst brand as far as softness goes is Red Heart! Avoid it!! And until you're an expert, keep away from mohair and Homespun from Lion's Brand (it looks harmless, and is super pretty, but is extremely weird to work with. It bunches horribly). Also, not that wool or alpaca is hard to work with per say, but when it slips naturally through your fingers as you are knitting, it rubs your fingers totally raw. Not the softest by far, but 100% natural!!












Organization of yarn. You're probably thinking "What is she TALKING about??" Well, I'm talking about how to easily manage your yarn. Your yarn probably looks like this when you first buy it:


That's not the best way to keep your yarn. The best way is definitely to turn it into a ball of yarn when your first buy it; that way, you can roll up any extra and store it away with no worries about tangles!! Plus it looks super adorabubble.

Here's how:



Types of stitches.  For me, the easiest way to stitch is the traditional knit stitch , which looks like this:

You probably thought that knit stitching looked like this, correct?:

 Actually, that is what Stockinette Stitch looks like, and it is complicated. How you do it is by knitting one row, purling the next row, then repeating. I can't explain, so here's a how-to on stockinette stitch and purl stitching/knit stitching:

Purl:

Knit:

Stockinette:


A Tip or Two.  I have one last tip for you future knitters out there: BUY A KNITTING BOOK!!  I found the Knitting for Dummies book to be extremely helpful as a general book to refer back to for minor hiccups or questions, and I love my pocketbook edition. Also, if you have to look up how tos on Youtube or in a book, make sure that it's for your type of knitting: If you hold the yarn in your right hand while knitting, then you knit English Style. If you knit with the yarn in your left hand, you knit Continental Style. English Style is the best way to learn because not many people do Continental, so it's harder to learn because few people teach any other way than classical English, although I've heard that, once mastered, Continental is much faster. Oh well, it seems complicated and it goes against our natural instict, no matter if we're left or right handed! Good luck!!!!

Knitted Jake!!!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Things I didn't know (watch out, it's long)

  • Apparently, you CAN, in fact, take knitting needles with you on an airplane. From a citizen standpoint, I deem it unsafe and a bit worrisome, but as a knitter, I can equally defend myself via MY needles. We shall have an epic duel, the clack of wooden needles the only clue to our violent struggle. ( i realize the last bit made no sense)

  • The nasty smell of pennies is, in actually, not restricted to just pennies. Other metals can smell gross too. I was all like "OH GOD NO."

  • When left to myself, I am not as mature as everyone thought. I KNOW RIGHT. IT'S CRAZY.

  • There really IS a study of colors. It's called chromatology. I can just imagine the tests: Which of these colors best represents tranquility and peace? Hint: It's not what you think.

  • There ARE single people in Paris. They exist. But are very rare, like albino panthers.

  • People can shave their faces without arms. I know I couldn't, I would slice my jugular in eight places before realizing that I should just let a beard grow.

  •  Then I remembered that I am a woman.

  • Kangaroos can't jump backwards. Learned that from watching Daniel Tosh. He's like a Snapple.

  • Plants need water even after school starts. Realized this just now as I looked outside and saw a half-dead plant on the deck that I was supposed to water O_O

  • I could easily become Amish.

  • Whenever I smirk for the camera, I don't look cute and slightly angsty. I look like a minion of Satan.

  • There is a good chance of me becoming asexual in the future. I always knew, subconsiously.

  • I can Indian dance surprisingly well, all things considered.

  • I have never used at least half of the features available on this site.

  • I have never went into a haunted house. And when other people do, and I wait patiently outside, all I think is "Suckers..."

  • If I were to get a parrot or a galapagos turtle right now, and it was the same age as me, it would live longer than I would.

  • Whenever I make plans for the future, I always add an "Now, if I become immortal, then...." option, just in case.

  • Cucumbers are scientifically classified as fruits.

  • Birds are the only organisms in the world that have feathers. I know, 'duhh', but I never really THOUGHT about it.

  • Sheen from Jimmy Neutron is possibly fashioned as a child version of Charlie Sheen.

  • A lot of the people from Jimmy Neutron have scientific names (Cindy Vortex, James Isaac 'Jimmy' Neutron, Jet Fusion, etc.)

  • Cosmo from Fairly Odd Parents really is retarded

  • Tweety is a boy.

  • In the rhyme Humpty Dumpty, they NEVER mention that he's an egg.

  • The Pringles guy and the Monopoly man are the same person.

  • Cookie Monster's real name is Sid.

WHAT. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING.

This was your face the whole time for that last bit:



ps: The answer was Blue. Oh, was that what you thought? I guess you're a chromatologist.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

No favorite color = big dilemma/death

One of the biggest and longest-struggling decisions I have ever had to make is picking my favorite color. When I was little, it was a pair: Purple and Pink. Then I decided that that was lame, so I changed to Green and Blue. Then I realized a lot of aquariums had that as their theme colors, so I just couldn't deal with that, so I converted to Pink and Blue. Then I realized that that was for babies, so I switched to Pink and Green. But then I started to hate watermelon, so it became just Blue. But then my mom revealed her favorite color to be blue too and painted EVERYTHING IN OUR HOUSE Blue, so I started to hate Blue. Then I went neutral for a time, but I just felt empty inside without knowing my favorite color. So I just picked the color Blue out again on a whim. But then I started to sort of cheat on Blue by briefly entertaining the idea of White, Red, Purple, Black, or Grey being my favorite color, but I just felt dirty and guilty doing THAT, so I broke up with Blue and have been single since. Whenever someone asks me their favorite color, I just either say Rainbow or Light Blue (my automatic response from so many horrific Blue Eras. Blue = my abusive color that I keep going back to because I don't know any other way). But now, I'm ready to finally commit. However, it's a huge decision that I'm not sure how to deal with. I don't want to be fickle anymore; I want to be a sturdy and loyal girl with an equally loyal and perfectly matched color. I still haven't decided. Perhaps I will be a color spinster for the rest of my life, forever on the outskirts of society, watching in wretched envy at all those Other People with their good Color Companion. But not me. No. Not unless I can finally bring myself to fully commit to a color and stick with it through thick and thin.

 Burgundy is pretty nice.

And so it White....so pretty and classy....

Then there's Purple, obviously.... I have a lot of Purple things....

Oh and of course there's Olive green......exceedingly chic and elegant....

SO MANY OPTIONS.

And question: Do you have to have a lot of that color in your wardrobe in order to have it as your favorite color? I used to consider Yellow, but Yellow looks just awful with my hair color, so I only have like two Yellow shirts. And I look so odd and weird when I wear Olive green, so I rarely wear those.

Look at all these people, loving their colors with such happiness. I despise them.
I bet that chick is just SO sure of herself. I hate her.
Must be nice to love one color so much, Barbie. I hate you also.
Congratulations. I am sure your parents are so proud.


That show-off probably had the easiest time picking out here wedding colors. *Female dog*. That's why your getting married, itsn't it? Your future husband loves your decision-making skills.
Your dress is too white. You should be ashamed. 

   








 

My life. It will be so.

 
 
I NEED A FAVORITE COLOR BUT I HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES. 

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Watch out, Scotland, I'm coming to take your men away

I was pondering the other day about what kind of sports I like. (Not to actually DO, but to watch. One like me doesn't simply DO sports). And, oddly enough, they are all foreign sports. Which I find to be puzzling. So I've created some lovely bullet points, AND A GRAPH, to make my point.

  • Why I like Rugby (my favorite) = *see below pie chart*

  • Why I like Football (really soccer) = because it's 10x more awesome than American football. And it's really easy for a slow person such as me to follow along, while still being entertaining. And I like the way they kick the ball. I'm sorry, but I find it to be sort of an aphrodisiac. Just like I find Rugby shirts to be an aphrodisiac.

  • Why I like Polo = NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH WATER POLO. I just like to see them riding around on horses, like an extreme form of croquette. Manly, British croquette. With big scary horses. And goofy helmets. It makes me laugh.
But seriously, I love European sports. They seem so much more fancy than other sports. And rugby........don't even get me started on rugby. Rugby is just so sexy to me. They're all Scottish and whatnot, and muddy, just running around and beating each other up. Then they go to some local watering hole and pat each other on the back while nursing their broken noses and locating their knocked-out teeth. *starts fanning myself*. It isn't THAT violent in professional rugby games, but in the ones that are just for fun between friends (which is what I'm talking about here), that's where things get real. And by real, I mean hardcore and attractive.

AND CHESS. OH LORD, CHESS. I didn't put chess up in the bullet points because I don't really classify it as a physical sport. It's a mental sport. Favorite physical sport is rugby, favorite mental sport is chess. If a guy mentions that he's on a professional chess league, then HULLO, he's got a stalker in me (said to the rhythm of 'You've Got a Friend in Me'). I love guys who play chess!! It shows he's got patience, brilliance, and drool-worthy long fingers (all chess players have really long fingers). If a man were to play both rugby AND chess, then.....then........*passes out from attractiveness overload*

Now. My graphs.

And some pictures of rugby players and chess players (all sexy)


rugby-players



and yes, I am aware that this is a painting. Even so, the dark-haired sir playing chess is immensely sexy.
So there you have it, folks. All you have to do to be attractive to me is: play chess, play rugby, and also: dress well, read books, have good hygiene routines, not be shorter than I, never wear shorts, never wear contrasting socks with shoes (i.e. black socks, white tennis shoes), like to eat strange things (but not TOO strange), not expect me to go out to parties, not smoke, not drink excessively (we are basing this off an over-21-year-old specimen), be willing to wear a kilt/top hat/ leprechaun vest for me ( I will be expecting nothing less than a British man), like fruit, look like that man in the painting, like animals, like horses but not force me to share his passion, have an ancestral castle to his name that we may live in and raise our children within.

But that's a whole 'nother can of worms.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Most confusing blog post EVER.

Okay, so, I am confused. Which happens most of the time, but it's rare that I actually know WHY I'm confused. So I thought I would share it:

Why do celebrity star blogs get so famous? It isn't like there isn't anything on there that you could just Google your own self. Case in point: "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting married finally!" (This was a real, legit blog post on some celebrity blog thing). I was like, "yeah, I totally care. I want that information shoved down my throat." But of course I'm being sarcastic, because it's really awkward having information in your mind about a topic that everyone you hang out with thinks is stupid. Can you imagine me, a big sharer, in a group of my friends?:

Them: "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie suck. Who cares about them???"

Me: *struggles with info*............."THEY'RE ENGAGED."

Them: *look of disgust*

So, you know what, weird stalker bloggers that have nothing else to blog about, KEEP YOUR INFORMATION TO YOURSELF. I do not want to know, because once that bit of news is in my head, I must share it. I'm like a Gremlin, but with different rules.

  1. Do not expose to gossip. Ever.
  2. Never get me curious about what happens when I click link.
  3. Never feed me after midnight (that rule still appplies from the original)
And yeah, I will probably revise this later, but for right now that's all I can muster, because I have a stack of homework and a paper to write (yeah, already.) so I have to stop procrastinating by writing about things that make no sense...BLEEP BLOOP!!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Good Girls Read Books

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but to be honest, I've been too wrapped up in introverted activities such as reading (whoa, didn't see that one coming, did you? Just kidding, you most likely did). Which brings me to my topic this evening, my lovelies! I've been reading various books this summer, and am quite excited to read Julie and Julia next! Link below if you don't know the summary:

http://juliepowellbooks.com/books.html

(fun fact: At first, i tried to do a gimmick like that, but it didn't work out because I kept getting sick of all my gimmicks....). But anyways, as i was furiously whip-reading through as many books as possible because that's just how I roll, I began to ponder the meaning of life. Or rather, the life of a book-lover. Did you know that people who read books for pleasure rather than being forced are significantly more likely to get good grades? You probably did, but that was the only thing resembling a statistic I could find on the Internet, so you know what, THAT WAS A GOOD PIECE OF INTERESTING INFORMATION TO YOU. IT CHANGED YOUR LIFE. And it really does make sense. You rarely see that class clown slackers reading Lord of the Rings, now do you?

No. No you do not.

And I am a firm believer that the type of book you read can signal your personality. Sometimes, not always, because I know a lot of happy people who read really depressing books (I don't see the appeal, but apparently my mindset is one-in-a-million. AKA the Hunger Games success). But people who read really sappy romance books tend to be really romantic *ahem*. And people who read really sad books like The Boy in the Striped Pajamas tend to be insane. And I just realized that this paragraph right here wasn't even a thing that was supposed to happen, so I'm going to get back on track now.....

ANYWAYS. Usually, the simple fact is that if you are intelligent, you read books. If you are a really gentle and nice and surreal person, there's a chance you enjoy reading books. If you are a fairy, you almost exclusively do nothing but read books (and flit about, showering the world in fairy dust and tending to flowers and whatnot). Not to sound condescending here, but hey, I've yet to see anyone prove me wrong, so.......But anyways, see what I mean? *PICTURE GOOOOOOOGLE TIME!!*






 FAIRY.





*DIES FROM ADORABLE BOOKISHNESS*
Lessoned learned, dear ones? GOOD GIRLS READ BOOKS!! Oh, and my cute introversion picture that I thought described my state of being for this past, oh, month or so: